Chan Luu Inspired Bracelet DIY

As previously mentioned, I am distracted a leeeeeeettle easily. Which means I like to do lots of things, none of them exceptionally well. I think of "dilettante" as a compliment. 

Aside from food, I love crafts. I have an entire plastic tub full of craft shit. Figuring out how to replicate things is fun and besides, I'm sort of cheap. Recently on Pinterest, I pinned a gorgeous wrap bracelet by Chan Luu. And then immediately made it myself. 

All $234 of those dollars can kiss my ass. 

It looks a little different, of course. The main reason is that I have freakishly tiny carnie wrists. They're like bird bones. I have to wear children's watches, or have women's ones significantly altered. I think the average watch or bracelet is 7 inches - my bracelets are about 5 1/2. 

The other reason is that I got my materials at Michael's and they're most likely of a significantly lower quality. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe. 

In case you want to get in on the fun, here's how I did it. 

You'll need:

• leather cord
• thread
• a needle
• your desired beads (I used about 5 inches of each)
• a button with holes big enough for the leather
• A safety pin
• Scissors
• about 3 hours

Start with your leather. Decide how many times you want it wrap around your wrist, then actually wrap it around, loosely, to see how long it will need to be. Add 6 inches and then double the total length (wrist + 6 inches). For this entire project, too much will always be better than too little. 

Fold your leather cord in half. Using your button as a size guide, tie a knot at the fold to create a loop that your button can comfortably fit through, but won't slip out of. Don't pull it too tight quite yet. 

Now onto getting your thread ready. For me, this was the biggest pain in the ass of the whole project. I used regular all-purpose sewing thread, which is not nearly strong or thick enough as a single strand. You would probably be fine just doubling it, but I am a nervous person and felt the need to quadruple it. You need a LONG piece of thread for this project - about 6.5 feet for my 20 inch bracelet, or 4 inches of thread for every beaded inch of bracelet (this should allow for plenty of extra, which is nice). That means I had to measure out 26 feet of thread initially. Want to know what gets tangled really easily? 26 feet of thread with two dogs playing in it. 

I ended up taping one edge to the wall and walking out half the length I needed, taping the midpoint to another wall and walking back and cutting it. I then used a needle threader to drag the folded thread (both strands) through the eye of the needle. I grabbed both my new ends (the cut end and the looped end) and pulled it through until the needle was at the mid-point. Tie off the end of all 4 strands and you have your thread. And you're probably sweating and swearing under your breath. 

You now still have 6-8 feet of thread you're trying to work with - take care to make sure it doesn't get tangled. Once there's a tangled knot, the whole bracelet goes down the toilet. But honestly - if I could do it, so can anyone over the age of 6. 

Secure your leather strands to something reasonably stable by safety-pinning the loop to it. I used my sewing box, but a couch or pant leg or towel-with-something-heavy-on-it will work too. 

Loop your thread around the lowest strand of the knot in your leather. Pull the needle between two of your four strands of thread to secure the thread to the leather and tighten the leather knot. Get your beads ready. 

Wrap your thread around the left strand of leather a few times to get to the starting point and to keep the first bead in place. Thread the first bead and position it between the two strands of leather with the thread behind the leather. (You'll notice a few steps are missing in the picture, like securing and wrapping the thread and the safety pin. Pretend they're not.)

Pull the thread all the way through until it's tight. Now, go back through the bead in the opposite direction on the FRONT side of the leather. 

Pull the thread through until it's tight, taking care to make sure all 4 strands pull through evenly. Occasionally you'll get little loops in one of the strands and will need to check each strand individually to remove it. 

Repeat with the next bead. And then the other 150. 

Keep an eye on your length. I used 4 different beads, so I kept checking my length to see when I needed to switch beads. In order to do this, I wrapped the leather loosely around my wrist to find my approximate end point and shortened it up a little to account for the fact that you actually want your button to be your end point, not your beads. I marked that length by holding it with my fingers, the folded the leather in half and in half again to four equal lengths, one for each of my colors of beads. Use these lengths as a guide for when to change beads. They don't need to be perfectly even - you'll never notice once it's wrapped. 

When you've finished your beading, tie a finishing knot in your leather using both strands. Then finish off the thread by going back through your last 5-10 beads in a zig-zag that matches the thread that's already there. Tie a knot and trim the thread. 

Check your length by wrapping the bracelet around your wrist and marking where your button should be on your remaining leather. Thread one of the remaining ends of leather through your button and tie both ends off together to keep it in place (that knot is hidden behind the button). I then added a final knot a little further down, just for kicks. 

Trim your ends to the desired length and you're done, bitches! Now you have a ridiculously bad-ass bracelet and most likely, a deep understanding about why this bastard cost $234 in the first place. 

Ch-ch-ch-changeeeees. And soup!

I'm back, bitches!

I know - I was gone a month. Know what kind of blog no one bothers to read? One that bails for a month. 

But I've been BUSY. Ish. 

Things that I have been doing

• Yesterday I finished my 40 Days Challenge, which involved doing yoga 5 days a week. I accidentally found an oblique muscle the other day and nearly fainted with surprise.
• I can do a headstand now! Well, with the wall. Most of the time. 
• I decided to graduate to a big-girl apartment. Unfortunately, the washer/dryer and exposed brick and 16 foot ceilings and stainless range hood also come with an electric stove. BLEEEEGH. But, my pictures should look better starting in July.
• I have spent 90% of my free time pinning shit to my 'fancy furnishings' board on Pinterest for said new apartment. It's ridiculous. Ridiculous enough that a friend I haven't talked to in 3 months that lives 5 hours away emailed me and said, "Uh, so I'm assuming you're getting a new apartment?"
• A juice cleanse. Three days of just juicing and raw fruits and vegetables. Oh, and the 6 ounces of coffee and 2 crackers and tablespoon of peanut butter I had. Plus the slice of pizza and 8 ounces of beer I had on the last night. I suck at juice cleanses. 

Things that I have not been doing

• I haven't cooked shit. 

In the spirit of my total inability to focus on one thing, I've decided to change up the blog a bit. More posts, more often, with less length (maybe, I'm long-winded if you haven't noticed) and a wider variety of topics. I will still do a LOT of food stuff. I love food (see earlier juice cleanse evidence). But I also love dogs and design and cool shit. 

So in an effort to be less absent and shitty and boring, I'm mixing it up. I know - I thought, "won't people be upset? Aren't people looking for food when they come here?" And then I remembered no one reads this shit since I haven't posted in a month and that it's mine and I can do whatever I want anyway. Similar to how I bypassed my sprouted grain cereal with organic milk and bananas as breakfast for cold parmesan bread bites from Dominos that had been sitting out overnight. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

But for now - how about a recipe? This one's been in the hopper a while and even though the warm weather is upon us, I think it bears sharing. 

Quinoa and Potato Soup with Spinach and Roasted Garlic

 You'll need: 

• 1 head garlic, roasted
• ½ white onion, diced
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 medium butter potatoes, diced small
• 2 cups vegetable stock
• 2 cups fresh spinach
• 2 cups cooked quinoa
• 1 tbsp Adobo seasoning
• 1/ tsp pepper

Start by roasting your garlic. Slice the tops off of the whole, unpeeled head. Lightly cover the exposed areas with olive oil, wrap it in foil, and pop it in a 400 degree oven for about 45 minutes. It should look caramelized when you take it out and be very soft. Set it aside to cool. 

I would recommend that you multitask and roast the garlic while you prep the rest of the ingredients, but I'll assume you're not an idiot and you already thought of that. 

Heat the tbsp of olive oil in a stock pot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the onion and saute until just translucent, about 3-4 minutes. 

Add the vegetable stock in bring it to a simmer. As always if, you use broth and not stock you will end up with MUCH saltier soup. You may want to pull back on the adobo if you go the broth route. 

Add your roasted garlic by squeezing it out of the skin and into the pot. If the big chunks aren't your thing, you can press them with the back of a spoon to help them break down. 

Add the potatoes and simmer until almost cooked through, about 10-15 minutes depending on the size of your chunks. 

Stir in the fresh spinach (in batches, if needed) and let it wilt. Once wilted, add your quinoa, Adobo, and pepper. Adjust seasonings to taste. If you don't have Adobo seasoning - get some. It will be in the international or Hispanic section of your grocery store. And an alternative to that - it's pretty much salt, garlic powder, oregano, and a little tumeric. Play with those seasonings until you get something you like. 

Serves 4. 

Shut Up and Cook version here. 

Oh, you were looking for THAT?

Okay, so I have a whole "I'm back" post in the process, but this is going to have to supersede it for the time being. 

I love looking at the search terms that lead people to my site. My current favorite?

"shut up bitch in vietnamese"

Other gems from the past include:

"awesome shit to pinterest"

"parsnip soup gives me shits"

"mini kirsch pelican" [WTF?]

I feel like I've really created something amazing here. 

40 Days and Spring Quinoa with Lemon and Peas

Uhhh yeah. Sorry about the absence.

But I've done something. And it's either going to make or break me.

I'm a pretty frequent yogi. By 'pretty frequent' I mean that I go through spells where I go a few times a week for a couple months and then fall into a pattern of putting on sweatpants and laying down after work for the next 6 weeks, covered in potato chip crumbs. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

I have visions of being this delightfully lithe, calm, glowing woman, and yet I can't seem to get it to materialize. (Note: this may be due to not actually trying.) About a month ago, in a moment where I was feeling particularly adrift, I decided to go after that image. Hard. 

My local Baptiste-style power vinyasa began advertising a 40 Days Challenge. For 40 days, you commit to doing yoga 5 days a week, plus one studio-supplied workshop on nutrition or poses or meditation. I hemmed and hawed for a week or two. Finally, the thin, strong angel yogi on the my shoulder shoved the potato-chip crusted devil out of the way and I signed up. 

In case you care, I'm 4 days in and its going well. I had a brief moment where I felt like my arms had fallen off, but that seems to have passed. My posts for the next few weeks may be shorter and less frequent, but I'll stick with you. And if anyone wants to follow along at home, I encourage it. Let's see who we are 40 days from now. (Note: probably still hungry and full of sass. I hope)

Let's kick things off right with a little Spring Quinoa with Lemon and Peas.

You'll need:

• 1 tbsp olive oil
• ½ medium white onion, diced
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 ½ c frozen (or fresh) peas
• ½ c vegetable stock
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• 4 tbsp lemon greek yogurt (I prefer Chobani)
• 3 cups cooked quinoa (I did mine in the rice cooker using a 1.5 water : 1 quinoa ratio)
• 4 radishes, thinly sliced
• 2 tbsp fresh Italian parsley, minced
• ½ cup queso blanco, minced or shredded
• salt, to taste

Heat the olive oil in a deep skillet over medium heat. Once hot, add the onion and garlic and saute until translucent, 3-4 minutes. 

Add the vegetable stock and peas, cook for 5-7 minutes until peas are heated through.

Mix in the sour cream and yogurt. Salt to taste.

Mix the yogurt sauce with your quinoa. You can heat your quinoa up first (which will melt the cheese), or leave it at room temperature.

Finally, add the queso blanco, parsley, and radishes. 

Serves 4. 

Less existential version found here.

Twenty-something awkward years and Yorkshire Pudding with Thyme-Infused Sweet Onion Gravy

I was always an odd kid. And teenager. And young adult. I'm still a little off. 

I remember when New Kids on the Block were big. I was in my friend Abby's mom's car on the way to her birthday party at a park. All the other girls were screeching about Joey and Danny and blah blah blah and I was thinking, "Who the heck are the New Kids on the Block?" I'm pretty sure I pretended to have an NKOTB sleeping bag because another girl did and that seemed to go over well. 

In reality I was sitting at home, wearing my Sally Jesse Raphael style glasses and my Alf t-shirts and listening to my beloved Tears for Fears CD. I remember asking for, and getting, an Annie Lennox cassette single in my Easter basket. "Walkin' on Broken Glass," in case that's what you were wondering. 

Now, I'm totally glad I was too oblivious to pick up on social cues and accidentally ended up liking actual cool shit instead. 

But back then, I just had no idea what it meant to be cool. I was smart, and quiet, and totally inept at sports and pop culture and cool things. I have very curly hair, which I brushed out every day. I played the clarinet. I have the eyesight of a mole, leading to my procurement of coke-bottle glasses at the age of 7. I participated in something called Winter Guard. My teeth were so crooked they looked like they had been tossed into my mouth at random, resulting in a few years of braces. I wasn't exactly Prom Queen. 

Let me demonstrate. 

"Rockin Alf," indeed. 

I also had some odd food preferences. Every year, my mom would make my brother and I whatever we wanted for our birthday dinners. Kids like kid things - chicken nuggets, tacos, macaroni and cheese. I, without fail, asked every year for roast beef and yorkshire pudding. 

So the other night, in honor of my many, many ugly ducking years, I decided to make some greasy, crispy, chewy Yorkshire pudding. And to go with it, a sweet onion gravy made from caramelized onions and infused with thyme. And it was DELIGHTFUL.

What was the big deal with NKOTB, anyway?

Yorkshire Pudding with Thyme-Infused Sweet Onion Gravy

Yorkshire Pudding recipe found here. I followed it pretty much - making the puddings in muffin tins with a pea-sized dot of Crisco in each one. I also used skim milk and egg substitute because it was what I had on hand. They were a little chewy, but still really good. 

For the gravy, you'll need:

• 1 medium white onion, slice into thin half-moons
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 1/2 cups vegetable stock
• 3 tbsp flour (gravy flour like Wondra is amazing)
• 6-10 sprigs of fresh thyme
• salt and pepper, to taste

The key to this gravy is the caramelized onions. It takes a while, but they add a depth of flavor similar to what you would get from meat fat. Heat a skillet over medium heat. Add the olive oil and once hot, the onions. Stir occasionally until they are soft and brown. This could take up to 30 minutes. 

Once your onions are browned, stir in your flour to coat the onions. I prefer a gravy flour like Wondra since it never clumps and thickens right up. But regular flour will do you just fine. 

Add your vegetable stock and stir well. Then toss in your thyme springs - 10 will be pretty strong, so you may want to start with 6 and see how it goes. Bring the gravy to a soft simmer to thicken it and infuse the thyme. 

When it's thickened to your liking, season to taste with salt and pepper. If it doesn't thicken enough, add flour, a little at a time, until it's where you want it to be.

Take the thyme sprigs out - little leaves are okay, but you'll want to remove the actual stalks. 

I served this over Field Roast Apple & Sage grain sausages with my yorkshire puddings and a side of garlic brussels sprouts, and my inner 10-year old squealed with weirdo delight.

Serves 5. Alf-free version here. 

Shit I Like Fridays

Shit I Like That's Food (and Sometimes Drinks)*

Whole Living's Creamy Broccoli-White Bean Soup with Pine Nuts

Une Deux Senses' Cheesy Quinoa Bowl

Foodie with Family's Snickerdoodle Cake with Brown Sugar Cinnamon Buttercream

Food Plus Words' Meyer Lemon and Thyme-Infused Sea Salts

A Cozy Kitchen's Goat Cheese and Chive Corn Muffins

Shit I Like That's Not Food*

Amanda McCavour's Thread Drawings

Urban Outfitters' Peony Wallpaper

These affordable and well-designed messenger bags from Two Trees Designs

This video of a banker saving a bunch of baby ducklings

Urban Outfitters' rip-off card catalog

*all photos on Shit I Like Fridays are not mine. They belong to the site to which they are linked. I'm not trying to imply I took them, steal them, or copy them. It's that if there's anything I've learned from Pinterest, it's the people hate words and love pictures. So, I want to show these sites a little extra love by enticing people to visit by using photos. If your photo is here and you don't like it, just ask and I'll take it down ASAP! 

Shit I Like Fridays

Shit I Like That's Food (and Sometimes Drinks)*

Dirty Girls Kitchen's Stuffed Zucchini with Ricotta, Baby Spinach, Virgin Tomato Sauce and Bread Crumbs

A Couple Cooks Veggie Tamale Pie

Better Recipes' Inside Out Spring Roll

A Cup of Mai's Raspberry Beer Cocktail

The First Mess' Spicy Tempeh Empanadas

Shit I Like That's Not Food*

Sir Jack's Pelican Hook Belt

This article from The Hairpin about why 1995 was the best year ever for movies

This baby Swiffer suit

This vintage Rolex

Julie Jilek's gorgeous paintings

*all photos on Shit I Like Fridays are not mine. They belong to the site to which they are linked. I'm not trying to imply I took them, steal them, or copy them. It's that if there's anything I've learned from Pinterest, it's the people hate words and love pictures. So, I want to show these sites a little extra love by enticing people to visit by using photos. If your photo is here and you don't like it, just ask and I'll take it down ASAP! 

The crippling shame that accompanies frozen breakfast burritos.

I am not what one would refer to as domestic. I am in my 30's, I don't own a home, I can't knit, I don't have any kids (I have dogs I treat like kids, but that just makes me weird), and I don't shop from a list. 

Yeah, I know - I cook. Most people who say they're not very domestic can't cook for shit. But you see, while I cook all the time, I very rarely cook anything easy or practical. To me, cooking is supposed to be ridiculous. It's making dumplings from scratch at 9:30 on a Tuesday night or buying $40 worth of shit with the labels in Korean, not putting dinner on the table after work. I almost never do that. 

"But you probably do other things that are reasonably domestic," you say. I say probably not. 

Thursday night I had to attend an industry awards show with S. It's a somewhat fancy ordeal, with hairdos and cocktail dresses and things. I ran home from work and realized I had 1 hour to be ready. I put about 3/4 of a can of dry shampoo in my hair (which is the world's most amazing thing, if you haven't tried it), teased it until it could walk on its own, wrapped it into a 'messy bun' and then did my bangs in hopes that no one would notice I was wearing a coconut-scented tumbleweed on my head. 

You see, I was really counting on my dress to carry the brunt of my look. A few months back I bought two dresses for a formal wedding. The one I hadn't worn was sitting in my closet, tags still on. It's a pretty, dark green, sateen dress from French Connection with one shoulder and a bow and pleats and pockets and all sorts of delightful shit. 

Unfortunately, it was pretty wrinkled from being jammed in my closet for 4 months. Now - I have a steam cleaner, which works wonderfully to get the wrinkles out of nice fabrics. But, a) I had 15 minutes and b) I am a lazy asshole. Mostly B. So I decided to just use the steam setting on the $8 iron from Walmart that I keep jammed in the back of a cupboard, which I only own because I think adults are supposed to have irons.

I filled the water and turned it to the highest steam setting (FYI - this is also the highest heat setting. In case you're as dumb as I am). I got about half of the way across the skirt succesfully. Then that stupid piece of shit iron decided to stop steaming for just a moment, instantly melting a big, v-shaped spot in the crotch of my dress. 

COOOOOOOL. 

You'll be relieved to know that I didn't wear the dress.  Instead I wore a shirt I got for free, a $7 skirt from JC Penney, and some Naturalizers. It was better than it sounds. I think. 

Anyway - I'm not good at June Cleaver shit. And I'm not sad about it; I like to think of my skill set as urban and sophisticated. 

Yet, I did something terrible the other day. Not at all urban or sophisticated. In my quest to eat something reasonably healthy and quick for breakfast on weekdays... I made a set of freezer meals. 

You might not think there's anything wrong with freezer meals. But I have this image of the person who makes freezer meals in my head - they have a bob and wear button-downs and khakis and drive a mini-van and don't find those bracelets from Pandora to be a crime against humanity.

I am not a freezer-meal person.

I do yoga and have beachy hair and know what jicama is.

I AM NOT A FREEZER MEAL PERSON.

But then, it turned out that freezer breakfast burritos are f-ing awesome. And I just couldn't keep something like that from you. Pride be damned. 

I give you Make-Ahead Freezer Breakfast Burritos.

Heavily adapted from Bits of Everything.

These bad boys pack some legit stats: 262 calories, 4 g of fat, 7 g of fiber, only 10 mg of cholesterol, and 16 g of protein. THAT is BREAKFAST, bitches. 

You'll need:

• 8 large flour tortillas (I used La Banderita large soft taco tortillas)
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 1/2 a white onion, diced
• cooking spray
• 1 tube (14 oz) Gimme Lean sausage
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp pepper
• 1/8 tsp red pepper flakes
• 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
• 1 cup shredded queso blanco (drop or sub the cheese to make me vegan!)
• 2 cups frozen shredded hash brown potatoes

These are pretty easy, especially compared to my usual ridiculousness. You'll need one big skillet, some paper towels, and some freezer bags. 

Cut the tube of sausage into discs. It's MUCH easier to do this with the wrapper on. Just use a serrated knife to get through the plastic packaging. Remember to remove the plastic before you cook it (or don't, I don't care really).

Heat the skillet over medium heat and give it a generous spray of cooking spray. Cook the sausage discs until browned, then flip and cook the other side. Set them on paper towels to cool. 

Using the same skillet, add more cooking spray and saute the onions and peppers until translucent. Season with salt, pepper, smoked paprka, and crushed red pepper.  These bastards are SPICY. You may want to take it down a bit if you're not into spice. Add the hash brown potatoes, stir well, and cook until the potatoes are done, about 5 minutes. 

 
Dice the cooled sausage into little pieces. Add it to the pepper/potato mix and transfer the whole thing to your assembly area. 

Scoop 3-4 large spoonfuls of filling into each tortilla. Top with some cheese and roll 'er up. If you're unfamiliar with how to fold a burrito so that it doesn't bust open and go everywhere, here's the idea:

Put your filling in a line toward one edge of the tortilla.

Fold the sides in, and then the back edge closest to the filling.

Wrap that edge all the way over the filling and tuck it underneath.

Fold the sides in again and continue rolling until you're finished. 

Fold a paper towl in half and wrap the burrito in it. Place the burritos in freezer bags and you're in business. When you're ready to eat them, just heat for a minute in the microwave, flip it and go for another 30 seconds on the other side, and jam it in your face.  

Perfectly domesticated recipe here.

Shit I Like Fridays

Shit I Like That's Food (and Sometimes Drinks)*

the Kitchn's Spicy Lentil Wraps with Tahini Sauce

Simply Reem's Soba Noodles with Sweet Ginger Scallion Sauce

Brown Eyed Baker's Beer and Cheese Bread

Movita Beaucoup's Dinette Cake with Kirsch and Kirsch Glaze

The Kind Life's Moroccan Couscous with Saffron

Shit I Like That's Not Food*

 This amazing Deep Sea print by unitedthread

washi tape (image from Cutetape.com)

This baby otter

Revlon's Gold Coin polish

Ariadne at Home's fun felt rug

*all photos on Shit I Like Fridays are not mine. They belong to the site to which they are linked. I'm not trying to imply I took them, steal them, or copy them. It's that if there's anything I've learned from Pinterest, it's the people hate words and love pictures. So, I want to show these sites a little extra love by enticing people to visit by using photos. If your photo is here and you don't like it, just ask and I'll take it down ASAP! 

"The Incident" and Asparagus Pistachio Pasta with Sherry-Balsamic Sauce

I went to dinner with some girlfriends last night. I feel like I've been stupid busy lately and haven't gone out in a while, so I decided to actually put some effort into my appearance. I even wore a skirt, which is equivalent in significance to LiLo's decision to return to red. 

[She did, and it's deligtful. Not "Mean Girls" delightful, but a big improvement over the 'Crack Barbie' look she's been rocking for so long.

See?]

[I know - the transition there wasn't great, but when I tried to think of something really significant yet superficial and stupid, that was all I could come up with. So, deal.]

Anyway, I was wearing a skirt. It was not long, but not really short either, and made of a light, swingy material. The thing with light, swingy material is that it's hard to feel when you're wearing it. Meaning, at any point in the night, my skirt could have been up around my waist and I wouldn't have known it. You might think, "Why the hell is she worried about that? What kind of idiot can't operate a skirt?" 

Uhhh - this kind of idiot. 

Once upon a time (known to some as "2011"), I worked at an advertising agency. It had a cool floorplan with big open workspaces and a large staircase that went from one floor to the other. The stairs were simple - slats with no backs or big railings so that they didn't ruin the feeling of uninterrupted space. 

I have a skirt that I got at Topshop in London years ago - It's shin length and coral and flowy and hippie and I love it. I've worn it consistently for almost the last 10 years. It's simple and fun and an article of clothing that always made me feel happy when I wore it. 

Used to, anyway. 

I wore the skirt to work one day. On my way to a meeting, I stopped at the bathroom. I did my thing, checked my appearance in the mirror, and headed out.

[Now, the trouble with long, flowy skirts is that they have a lot of material. A lot of material that can look totally normal from the front, yet have some issues of serious concern going on in the back.] 

So, I headed out - 

through the top floor

down the open staircase that looks out over the ENTIRE lower floor

and INTO A MEETING

[you know where I'm going]

all with my skirt stuck into the back of my underwear. 

Full moon, on display. 

Thank god for granny panties.

[I never thought I'd say that.]

I managed to sense that something was awry as I walked into the conference room. I covertly slid along the wall, hands behind my back, frantically tugging the material back to its proper place. And turned bright red for the next half-hour.

To this day, I have no idea if anyone saw or not. My guess is that someone did, but felt too bad to say anything. Or laughs every time they see me. Whichever.

With that, I give you Asparagus Pistachio Pasta with Sherry-Balsamic Sauce.

Ingredients:

• 1 bunch of asparagus, about 1 1/2 cups once cut up
• 3/4 cup of pistachios, shelled and chopped
• 3/4 cup of sharp cheddar, shredded
• 1/2 lb of mini rigatoni or other short, reasonably small pasta
• 2 tbsp of butter
• 1/2 white onion, diced
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced or pressed
• 3 tbsp sherry
• 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
• 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
• salt and pepper, to taste

Instructions:

Cook your pasta according to the directions, keeping it on the al dente side. 

Prep your asparagus by snapping or cutting off the woody ends. You can find the right place to cut by holding a stem and bending it lightly until it snaps naturally. The spot where it snaps off is about where you should cut.

[Now, don't be an asshole about this. If you grab it on either end and wrench the ends down, it'll just snap in the middle. It's a vegetable, not a 2x4. Be sensible - hold it toward the base and bend it GENTLY.]

The thinner your asparagus, the less you will need to remove. With asparagus, thinner = better. I try to find it about the size of a pencil if I can.

Cut your asparagus into 1-inch pieces.

Now, you can toast your pistachios or not. They're not a very greasy nut, so I find that toasting them is nice, but doesn't make a big difference like it does with walnuts or sesame seeds. If you want them toasted, they'll do it quickly. 3-4 minutes over low heat in a dry skillet is all you'll need.

Melt your butter over medium heat in a large skillet. Add your onion and garlic and saute until the onion is transparent, about 3-4 minutes. 

Add the asparagus pieces, sherry, and both vinegars. Continue to cook over low until the asparagus is just cooked through, 7-10 minutes.  Season with salt and pepper, to taste. I find that using them both a little more generously than I usually do works well in this dish. 

Add your asparagus and sauce to the pasta and mix well. Top each serving with cheddar cheese and pistachios. 

Makes 4 small servings or 2 awesome, large servings. 

[Seriously? Wouldn't everything that made 4 servings also make 2 large servings? I AM A MATH GENIUS.]

Ass-free version of this recipe here.